They say unrequited love is the worst kind, but in actuality it's the second worse… you see, the worst kind of love is in fact unattainable love. Let me explain:

Unrequited love is when you love someone but they do not love you in return… now I know it sounds pretty bad, but at least you have the comfort of knowing that there is nothing at all that could be done to make this other person love you, thus giving you a bit of inner peace.
However…. Unattainable love is a love in which the fact that whether or not it is mutual is not put into play, it very well may be mutual but is out of one’s reach for one reason or another… and those reasons are not usually very significant, like distance and timing and maybe the love of another, but are very difficult for one to step up and change; especially when you’re taking a chance on someone that may or very well may not feel the same way.

And so in the grand scheme of things I would much rather be in love with someone who may never love me thus may never be with me, than someone who might love me but stands far behind life’s hurdles, making it seem impossible to ever really seek out the affection the heart demands.

Love is a very complicated being and only seems to work when all the ingredients are just right; otherwise you’re left with a very bitter after-taste and nothing but tears to wash it down…

I'm at work, and no work is being done whatsoever. I bought a couch, it's quite lovely... a sectional actually, you know, the one that comes with a corner, a middle and a chaise.. it's great. I also finally bought my night tables and headboard for the bed.. it's all starting to come along quite nicely. I always thought I was pretty likable, but it turns out that I'm probably not. It's a little weird. My semi-quasi friends usually always want to hang out, unless they're genuinely busy.. but I don't think I've ever been given the "something suddenly came up"-line. This happened to me last week, and I knew it was an excuse, which made it worse I guess. Isn't easier to just tell someone you don't feel like hanging out, as apposed to coming up with a big story to get yourself out of the horror of spending an afternoon with me. Jeez.. I didn't know my company was so unbearable. Oh well.. I suppose you can't please everyone. It's ok.. I didn't really like you much either.

In other news.. I'm in desperate need of a good old fashion ego-boost. I don't usually end up in situations where I'm around the opposite sex long enough to get out a decent sentence, let-alone start a flirty conversation... not that it really matters, it's just that sometimes I feel devoid of that meaningless excitement that fills one with intrigue and the illusion of hope. I guess it's not really necessary, but it is nice sometimes to be reminded that other people could be attracted to you. I forget where things like that happen. Where is it that people go to meet other people.. to flirt and possibly lead that flirtation elsewhere? It's not like I was going around picking up guys all willy-nilly before. Oh well.. maybe when I start school again I'll be reminded of that.

Oh.. btw.. I'm not deepressed anymore. Just thought I'd let you know, in case you were interested.

I took a pregnancy test this morning.. not because I think I'm pregnant, but because my PMS-like symptons have began to worry me. I feel sort of depressed.. and I know that this isn't anything serious, it just feels like PMS. But I had my period already last month, and this month I'm not due until around the 20th or so.. so it doesn't make any sense. Well I'm not pregnant, but what else can it be? Rosie says that it can be a hormonal imbalance, being that I'm 21, and she says every seven years of your life your body regenerates everything; being skin and nails and hair, and this may be causing a hormonal imbalance for me. I don't know. I think it's just the way I eat.. I have to work on getting a better diet. I hope that's all it is.... I hope I'm not clinically depressed, or bi-polar... that would be bad. Whatever.. I'll start eating better, let's see if that helps.

I saw an old friend yesterday.. Glennis. I'm not sure I have ever written about her. We used to be the best of friends, since third grade.. and we would do everything together.. we grew up together. Well anyway, her and I had falling out a couple of years ago, and it hasn't been the same since. I tried to re-establish the friendship a couple months back, when I found her on myspace, but it was a failed attempt, and yesterday she called out of the blue. She had a fight with her boyfriend and seemingly broke up.. she was distraught and some how found it in her heart to confide in me. I suppose all her other friends were busy with their other affairs and boyfriends I assume, and she found that I was the most convinient option. Well she came over and we had a really long talk. We talked about life and love, and reminisced of our old lives together and all the things we did when we were kids.. it was good. I haven't really been able to share those things with anyone before, no one can really relate being that she is the only friend I had as a child that is still somewhat in my life. She met Alex and they got along splendidly... she seemed to like him, and I know he liked her. I guess he hasn't really seem me like that with another girlfriend in a while... and he knows it's good for me, I suppose, to connect with other people. I'm affriad that maybe this isn't going to be a long term thing, I hope so, but I feel that maybe this is just goint to be a one-time thing, as most of these things are, and in a few months we'll go back to never hearing from eachother. I should be writing a paper right now.. but it's not my paper, it's alex's paper.. and I really don't feel like writing it. Blah... I don't want to do anything..

I just realized that I'm in a rutt.... I'm not sure exactly how long I've been in this rutt.. but I'm in it and I can't shake it off as easily as I would like. It seems that my life has no purpose right now. I'm working at this dead end job, I'm living in this small one bed room apartment, which doesn't seem to be really getting anywhere, as far as remodeling goes, fast enough. We've been living there for over a year and we just started looking at buying a couch. I am starting school in the fall, but that's a long ways away. I need a project, something to do now... something to give me a reason to wake up in the morning.. something that occupies my time and leaves me feeling somewhat productive.
Now this all sounds fine and dandy, but what do I do?

Life's changed since last I updated. I went to Cuba this summer and met my brother.. I got a new job, which isn't very demanding but it pays well and is sufficiently entertaining. I'm going back to school this fall, and getting a degree in education, to be a high school english teacher, I hope. I'm not sleeping in my living room any more, we finished remodeling the bedroom and are on our way to finishing the living room. I gave away Henry the great, and miss him terribly, but it had to be done... I wasn't a good mom to him. I have a second nephew and he's adorable. His name is Alexandro, I know.... but he's cute as all hell. I got a new car, well new to me anyway. I used to drive a beat up old Kia Sportage named Vinnie, and I got rid of him for my mom's 2001 Huyndai Sonata; which isn't anything fantastic, but she took really good care of it thus it's in great condition. What else???..... Umm.. yeah that's it I think.
So everything seems to be going well, relatively boring, but no disasters in sight. Oh and I've lost some weight, like 20lbs.. which is a lot concidering I wasn't even fat to begin with. I'm at 100lbs now. I don't even know why I lost so much weight. I used to have trouble finding things that fit me the way I wanted them to, so losing the weight made some sense I guess, but now everything I own is too big, thus having the complete opposite effect... but I'd much rather buy new clothes than gain 10 lbs. Whatever.. that was a completely useless thing to bring up... Well looks like I have nothing entertaining to write about.. as usual.
I don't think anyone reads this, but if you do.. leave me a comment.

Goodness.. lol.. "Goodness". I'm so disgustingly bored. I need a life. I know I had one at some point.. what happened to it, I wonder? If only I was a drunk or something, then I would be able to have tons of fun all by myself. You know what I hate? I hate when you meet some one fun and whom you get along with famously.. and you go out and have a great time for a little while, and then out of no where they up and get a life with out you. I used to have friends.. but they all got lives without me. Oh god.. this is deepressing.
So my birthday's coming up.. and I'm not exactly sure that I'll be doing anything special. At this point.. I'm not. But whatever.. we'll see.
The end.. I'm bored.

I need a new job. I've been a little stressed lately, thinking about money and what I would want to do with the rest of my life, career-wise. I don't really have any direction right now. I've never really had to look for a job, they've always just landed on my lap. If anyone has any suggestions, I'm open to them. I need to find something that's full-time and pays well. Maybe an office job of some type. Sales is ok, just as long as I'm not working at a department store, or in telemarketing; been there, done that, don't want to go there again.
I'm a little worried though, because if I get a more steady job, then I'm not going to be able to go back to school right away. I do want to finish my education as best I can, and have a real career that I love and can make me successful enough so that I wouldn't have to depend on anyone else. I feel bad for Alex. He's always working and is always worrying about money. He's beginning to really detest his job and wants out as quickly as possible; but since my job doesn't really pay very well, we're not able to just depend on me to hold up the bill pay while he looks for something else. His job currently pays really well and it's going to be difficult finding something that compares to that.
It's weird, I'm being forced to be an adult. I didn't think it would happen this quickly. It didn't really hit me until last night. I felt like my parents probably did at my age. They got married young and had to work really hard to kick start their life together. They did really well before they had me and my sisters, which is probably where Alex and I are right now. We're not swimming in the money, but considering we're both pretty young, we're doing well. We've already bought our first place together, and are able to remodel and be a little loose with our money. If it were up to me, we would be living in a bit less comfortable conditions, just saving up really and trying not to worry about money. I hate money. It's the source of all the world's problems, specifically mine. I've been spending an awful lot of my time feeling sorry for myself. I should just suck it up and work a little harder. The truth is, I've been living a little too easily lately. I need to get off my ass and get things done. It's harder than I thought, especially since Alex is working all the time and I have no one to really share my frustrations with, we're both just on our own little islands, struggling individually.
Blah... I'm going to look for a job.